The View from the Spaghetti Factory

Thanks to Marina Hyde in the Guardian, I think I’ve found the most ludicrously pretentious book in the world. Act fast, and grab your copy of the not-to-be-missed bestseller for the summer…

Fine Waters: A Connoisseur’s Guide to the World’s Most Distinctive Bottled Waters

However did we manage?

(by the way, the original Guardian article is worth reading, too)

This little chap was hopping around the edge of our lawn the other day. I picked him up to say hello, and he was kind enough to pose for a couple of pictures…

That picture’s a bit misleading in terms of proportion. It’s only when you zoom out to see my hand in full that you realise how tiny he is. Barely out of tadpole school.

And now, having seen that one, my eyes are now accustomed to distinguishing a couple of his siblings from the spiders and insects scurrying around in the garden. I’m just amazed that a passing cat hasn’t eaten any of them yet…

I was in Asda a few minutes ago, doing my usual frustrated shuffle behind slow-moving gawpers. Immediately in front of me, a couple are obviously looking for something specific. She heads for the International Foods aisle, but her shaven-headed, tattooed and string-vested consort points out “nah, that’s for all that fackin’ foreign shit”.

So they do a quick about turn into the next aisle. “Yeah, thassit”, he mutters, as they make a beeline for the…

Dolmio pasta sauces!

I coughed a little laugh into my basket.

Poor little Cinderonnie. Wicked Uncle Alex is stopping him from going to the ball Real Madrid. Still, all is not lost… it turns out that his fairy godfather has arrived in the shape of…

Sepp Blatter!

Yes! FIFA’s own surreal stand-up comedian has likened Cristiano’s plight to modern slavery. Apart from the bit about being bundled into a transit van and driven illegally across borders in the dead of night, obviously. Oh, and the underage prostitution, heroin addiction and constant threat of physical violence. And technically, he probably gets to keep most of his £100k weekly pay packet, giving just a small cut to his agent, rather than having to give the whole lot to a menacing Russian pimp with gold teeth and a machine gun.

But yeah, apart from a few small details, tantamount to modern slavery. It’s a shit job, y’know?

Ooh, forgot to mention before… if you’re looking to pick up some jazz guitar skills, but have no idea where to start, my friend Matt is bloggishly documenting his own chronologically accurate journey of discovery…

Swing to Bop