The View from the Spaghetti Factory

Tube booze party ‘irresponsible’

… according to the RMT Union.

Yes, but during the course of public drunkenness and anti-establishment revelry, was anyone stabbed, punched, robbed or molested? Nope, doesn’t look like it!

[Later edit: Looks like there was some disorder, but it's hard to tell whether that's TfL applying a bit of spin to discredit the protesters. Still, it only really demonstrates the usual "few bad apples" truism, rather than conclusively justifying Boris's new policy.]

Apologies for the lack of action, but I’ve been busy doing the sort of vital work stuff that always takes longer than you expect it will. I’ll ease myself back into bloggery with a quick’n'easy website recommendation…

I don’t know about you, but I think the spEak You’re bRanes site does a great job of highlighting all of the most laughably awful drivel from the BBC’s Have Your Say comment site. The latest addition to the site is quite brilliant… an automatic HYS post generator!

THE TWAT-O-TRON

Just when Photoshop trickery memes seem to be getting a bit old hat, along comes a cool new idea that makes me alternately giggle and WTF?!…

ManBabies

As a concept on paper, “photos of babies and fathers with their heads swapped” doesn’t sound particularly interesting, but there’s some freaky stuff there.

Unhappy birthday Spam!

(But not the edible variety, which is much older)

It’s all balloons and bunting here, as I prepare for a day of national pride. I decided that we just don’t spend enough time celebrating our identity in the when-it-suits-us British regional sub-entity of England. Maybe it’s because we share our current patron saint, St George, with rather a lot of Johnny Foreigners. We need a national identity we can live by!

So, after at least five minutes of serious thought, I came up with a name for our new patron saint. Please lumber reluctantly to your feet and mumble some sort of half-hearted praise for…

ST GORGE!

St Gorge is so much more relevant to England in the 21st century, and the people who are so desperate to show their pride in this sub-division of an already tiny country. A symbol of indiscriminate consumption, St Gorge celebrates our love of cheap lager, stodgy fast food and shouting abuse at strangers (especially immigrants and poofs).

I’ve even made a new flag! However, rather than completely dispensing with the old one, so popular with those lovable racists, I’ve incorporated elements of the old flag of St George. To bring things up to date, I’ve added the familiar “Stella Rampant” motif, and modified the shape of the cross to reflect the sagging beer bellies and limp dicks of the proud warriors who represent all that is specifically English.

Given the amount of preparation required, it’s probably a bit late to think about doing this as an April Fool prank, but it’s pretty damn impressive…

Bathroom Mirror Prank

Call to restrict smoking scenes

A Liverpool-based anti-smoking group is campaigning for all films featuring people smoking to be given 18 certificates. Now, I’m happy about the smoking ban in cinemas, pubs and restaurants (for my own comfort; I’m still unsure of how ethical a blanket ban really is) but this is just insane.

It seems superfluous and too obvious to state, but smoking is legal. Children can see *real* people (possibly, OMIGOD, IN THEIR OWN FAMILY!) smoking in public every day. They can also go to the cinema and legally be exposed to some pretty extreme violence and bizarre Hollywood worldviews (one of which seems appropriate here).

As usual, the Daily Mash makes the most sense of the issue.

Is Ed Stourton feeling the pinch after yesterday’s budget? From an “in the next hour” preview on this morning’s Today programme…

Nah, I’d hold the pillow down a bit longer, if I were you.

Although I dislike Jeremy Clarkson and the whole BLOKES TALKING ABOUT BLOKEY THINGS AND CALLING A SPADE A SPADE IN A LOUD SMUG VOICE subculture he seems to have inspired, this makes me feel uneasy…

Police probe Clarkson phone photo (BBC)

Yep, if he was talking on his mobile while driving at 70mph, that’s bad. It’s more than bad, it’s illegal. But do we really want a system of law enforcement based around crafty phonecam snaps sent to tabloid newspapers?

I see people using (non-handsfree) mobile phones while driving, sometimes while making involved manoeuvres, on an almost daily basis. And it annoys me, much like any other example of people thinking they’re above the law. But if I take photos of these people and send them to a tabloid newspaper, or even the local police station, what’s going to happen? Probably nothing, and that’s a shame. However, perhaps someone should make the usual channels work properly before we start franchising our entire legal system to the Daily Mirror newsdesk.

In recent weeks, I’ve noticed that some fairly big-name websites are loading a lot more slowly than they used to. Looking at the status bar on my browser, the line “waiting for ssl.google-analytics.com” seems almost always to be the problem.

Amusingly, I just spent a good couple of minutes trying to access my Gmail account. The reason for the delay? Guess…