The View from the Spaghetti Factory

Farewell to the SuperSaver as train tickets change to simplify travel (Guardian)

The complexity of the train ticketing system is not the problem. It’s occasionally a minor annoyance, but not a real problem. The problem is the illusion of choice, where only a tiny number of cheap tickets are available, and the majority of available tickets are “full fare”. When the train companies reduce the price of standard tickets by about 50%, we’ll talk.

It’s all balloons and bunting here, as I prepare for a day of national pride. I decided that we just don’t spend enough time celebrating our identity in the when-it-suits-us British regional sub-entity of England. Maybe it’s because we share our current patron saint, St George, with rather a lot of Johnny Foreigners. We need a national identity we can live by!

So, after at least five minutes of serious thought, I came up with a name for our new patron saint. Please lumber reluctantly to your feet and mumble some sort of half-hearted praise for…

ST GORGE!

St Gorge is so much more relevant to England in the 21st century, and the people who are so desperate to show their pride in this sub-division of an already tiny country. A symbol of indiscriminate consumption, St Gorge celebrates our love of cheap lager, stodgy fast food and shouting abuse at strangers (especially immigrants and poofs).

I’ve even made a new flag! However, rather than completely dispensing with the old one, so popular with those lovable racists, I’ve incorporated elements of the old flag of St George. To bring things up to date, I’ve added the familiar “Stella Rampant” motif, and modified the shape of the cross to reflect the sagging beer bellies and limp dicks of the proud warriors who represent all that is specifically English.

I’ve been a fan of Paul Ford’s Ftrain writings for ages, but this article, from the Morning News, is one of the best things I’ve ever read by him…

Six-Word Reviews of 763 SXSW Mp3s

I’ve never yet been the victim of credit card fraud, but I know that the banks tend to treat their guiltless customers like criminals in these cases. On the moneysavingexpert site, forum member “zincoxide” has been plagued with calls from a debt collector after being a victim of card fraud, and his responses are some of the best comedy I’ve read in ages…

Having fun with Debitas

[edit: oh, and post #147, from a call-centre worker, is interesting]

Given the amount of preparation required, it’s probably a bit late to think about doing this as an April Fool prank, but it’s pretty damn impressive…

Bathroom Mirror Prank

And while we’re on that subject, did someone forget to tell Mascherano? Great player, but just learn to keep your trap shut, Javier. Hurrah for a more robust approach from Premiership referees and here’s to more consistent support from the FA.

FA to throw book at Mascherano (Guardian)

I’m not sure whether Rafa Benitez is just loyally protecting his player or whether he didn’t see the incidents properly, but it was pretty clear from the TV coverage that Mascherano urged the referee to “fuck off” on at least two occasions… after his initial booking and later in the game. His decision then to appoint himself as spokesman for Torres was obviously the last straw for Steve Bennett :-)

Oh dear, another gem from everyone’s favourite manager in the Cloud Cuckooland Premier Division…

Nice gesture, shame about the short-term memory, eh? Find the TV footage of every unsuccessful Man Utd penalty appeal this season, and I guarantee you’ll see the bulging eyes and furious ranting of Rooney, Carrick, Ronaldo etc.

Even worse, though, was the behaviour of Lampard, Terry and Ashley Cole last week, protesting the yellow card given to Cole after his reckless challenge on Alan Hutton. A couple of inches higher, and he could have shattered Hutton’s kneecap, but his lack of remorse was astonishing. Even worse was his refusal to face Mike Riley as he was being booked, turning his back on him like a spoiled schoolkid. Why did this not earn him a second yellow card?

I don’t know whether the root cause is a lack of respect from the players, lack of consistency from the referees or a lack of consistent support given to the referees by the FA, but I know one thing… Fabio Capello was at that Tottenham-Chelsea match, and when the camera cut to him during the Ashley Cole tantrum, he had a face like thunder.

Call to restrict smoking scenes

A Liverpool-based anti-smoking group is campaigning for all films featuring people smoking to be given 18 certificates. Now, I’m happy about the smoking ban in cinemas, pubs and restaurants (for my own comfort; I’m still unsure of how ethical a blanket ban really is) but this is just insane.

It seems superfluous and too obvious to state, but smoking is legal. Children can see *real* people (possibly, OMIGOD, IN THEIR OWN FAMILY!) smoking in public every day. They can also go to the cinema and legally be exposed to some pretty extreme violence and bizarre Hollywood worldviews (one of which seems appropriate here).

As usual, the Daily Mash makes the most sense of the issue.

Is Ed Stourton feeling the pinch after yesterday’s budget? From an “in the next hour” preview on this morning’s Today programme…

Nah, I’d hold the pillow down a bit longer, if I were you.

Although I dislike Jeremy Clarkson and the whole BLOKES TALKING ABOUT BLOKEY THINGS AND CALLING A SPADE A SPADE IN A LOUD SMUG VOICE subculture he seems to have inspired, this makes me feel uneasy…

Police probe Clarkson phone photo (BBC)

Yep, if he was talking on his mobile while driving at 70mph, that’s bad. It’s more than bad, it’s illegal. But do we really want a system of law enforcement based around crafty phonecam snaps sent to tabloid newspapers?

I see people using (non-handsfree) mobile phones while driving, sometimes while making involved manoeuvres, on an almost daily basis. And it annoys me, much like any other example of people thinking they’re above the law. But if I take photos of these people and send them to a tabloid newspaper, or even the local police station, what’s going to happen? Probably nothing, and that’s a shame. However, perhaps someone should make the usual channels work properly before we start franchising our entire legal system to the Daily Mirror newsdesk.